Do you know that moment when someone crosses the line?
The stupid line that is. The point where someone is speaking and then they say the stupidest thing or completely butcher the English language, so bad in fact that it makes you wince.
I had a carpet cleaning company come out to get out the spots that I couldn’t. The carpet cleaning guy seemed very knowledgeable and I was pretty impressed with his spiel. He told me about the different types of carpets and what makes one better than the other and how to properly clean them. He spewed off a shit ton of information, about carpets, but on any other subject I’m almost positive the databank was empty.
Case in point: In talking about the way dust and dirt is trapped in carpet, we ended up talking about allergies. All of the sudden carpet man became highly animated and excited as he exclaimed “I know a lot about this subject. More than most, and not because of the carpet cleaning business, but because of my daughter who has severe allergies.”
Now, he should have stopped right there and then told me all about why carpets are bad for allergies. If he had just done that I might still think carpet man was knowledgeable and intelligent, but no, he didn’t. Instead he said, “I had to learn all about this stuff when we found out my daughter was severe hypoallergenic.”
Oh yes, yes he did.
And it was at that point that everything else he said sounded like crickets to me.
A few years ago, MacGyver and I headed over to the Wal-Mart to get some taco shells. You would think that taco shells would be fairly easy to find but for some reason the simplest of items always end up where you would least expect them, especially in Wal-Mart.
After looking for what seemed like forever and becoming frustrated we finally decided to ask the first employee we could find. As one of the stock boys rounded the corner little did we know a conversation would occur that would change the way we shop for taco shells for years to come.
Me: Excuse me, could you tell me where the taco shells are?
Stockboy: They should be over in the ethical aisle.
Me: The Ethical isle?
Stockboy: Yes, the ethical isle.
Me: Is that the aisle where the all the food is moral and good?
Stockboy: Yeah. Oh, and sometimes spicy too.
Y’all, he was dead serious, Bless his little heart. To this day whenever MacGyver and I buy Taco Shells, we go down the ‘ethical isle’.
You may be wondering why I bring all this up and there is a point. This morning I went out for a 5 mile run. Toward the end I slowed to a walk just as this man was about to get into his car. He stopped and looked at me and said, “You might want to slow down on all that running you’re doing.”
I asked him why and he said, “You’ll need some orthodontics.”
I said, “What?” And I was wondering why I would need braces from running and I really wanted to know the answer.
He said, “My kid used to run all the time for soccer and he had all kinds of problems with his ankles and his knees. It got so bad we had to take him in to see an orthodontics guy and get him some inserts.”
I shook my head for a second just in case I had something in my ears. Nope. So I replied, “Well, I hope not but if that happens, I’ll be sure to see the right specialist.”
“That’s good”, he said.
I gotta say, that one was a first.
And here’s one last thing that I really need to share with you. It’s got to be one of my most favorite signs.
What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
And you get extra credit if it’s funny!