Church of the Long Run, Shalane Flanagan is awesome!

I trust y’all had a wonderful weekend.   Mine was pretty gosh darned exciting!

Peacocks and Pedicures Two things.   Peacocks and Pedicures!  There is no substitution.

My Mom and I had a garage sale this weekend.  You might think that would be fun for me since I love going to them, but not really.  Actually, I hate hosting them.  I am finding that in my oldish age, I don’t really like too many people.  Granted the majority of the people who came were nice but we also had our fair share of idiots and nutjobs.  I realize that I may also tend to attract these types of people but the ‘wish it up’ lady and 9am drunk were my favorites.

Piss Drunk

Did you know that you can just walk around and wish for things all day and most of your wishes come true?  No really, you can.  This lady was like 55 years old and she’s been doing it her whole life.   She wished a few new cars and even a few wins at the casino, Bless her little heart.

The next time you are bored or need some cheap entertainment, I suggest you host a garage sale of your own.  That is some fine entertainment there people and it’s free, although you may want to borrow my idiot and nutjob attraction perfume just to make sure you get the cream of the crop.  I’m gonna to be bottling it up pretty soon and it should be available at all the fine department stores.

This year I had a garage sale but last year at this time, I ran the Iron Girl half and even though the massive bridges you have to run over kicked my butt, I was really sad I missed it this year.  But even though I had to miss it, my friend Cheryl ran and I am so proud of her, she finished first in her division!   That’s gold baybee!

Cheryl wins gold I stole that picture from your facebook Cheryl!  I couldn’t help myself…

Cheryl is one of the only people I have ever met that loves running as much as I do and she probably doesn’t know this but she is one of my inspirations and she motivates me to want to be a better runner and to get faster.

And since we’re on the subject of my inspirations, did you watch the Shalane Flanagan interview on 60 minutes last night?  I hope you got to see it.  My Mom and I watched it and we’ve decided that if Shalane lived near me, we’d be besties.  (The Church of the Long Run, OMG)  We love her.

But on a serious note, I want her to win Boston so badly.  She really deserves that and how great would that be, right?  I know I’ll be rooting for her and I may even have to call up the wishing lady.

Now because it’s Monday and you might need a little motivation, heres another pic I stole, this time from my Brother-in-law’s facebook:

There was a fire


What did you do this weekend?

Did you watch the interview with Shalane? 

Garage sales?  Go to them or have one?

What is a Yoga Fart?

About once a month I take a look at the search terms to see how people might have come to find my little Ole blog on these crazy Internets.  Sometimes the results are funny, sometimes they’re predictable, sometimes they get serious and at other times, they are downright scary.

Instead of just telling you what those searches are, I’ve decided to handle it a bit differently.  This time, I’m going to provide the answer to those searches in the hopes that if the original searcher happens to search again, boom, they will find the correct and most knowledgeable answer available.

So without further adieu, here’s what you little sicko’s are searching for this month and my responses.

Do you pee your pants while running?

Sometimes, yes.  I pee my pants when I’m running.  See:  I live in Clearwater, my Uterus lives in Key West.

pee pants

Is a housewife’s work sedentary? 

Well, I guess it is, if everything is remote control, but I have yet to locate something that will actually pick the laundry up off the floor and take it to the machine or clean the dishes from the table and put them in the dishwasher.  If you have that machine, please send it to me for evaluation and review.  Unfortunately, here at UpandHumming, we do not return items to their original owners, so I’ll need to keep said machine.  Sorry, it’s policy.

Will running a half marathon make me half marathoner? 

Maybe, if you finish but will reading a book make you smarter?  Probably not.

What is cray cray?

Cray cray is crazy, but the crazier thing is why you searched it and found this blog, that’s totally cray!

What is a yoga fart?

I am pretty sure it’s the same as a regular fart but if you fart in yoga class, you should always say ‘Namastink’.  Trust me on this one.

Yoga Fart

Pulling plants in ass

I just can’t even…what?  Seriously?  What the hell?  And why here?  I just don’t…Maybe you mean, pulling pranks in class or pulling in your ass while doing planks. no?  Please call the therapist…and maybe your priest.

Why does my urine look like coca cola?

Why are you not calling the doctor would be a better question?  Call one, NOW!

I love you, I love food.

Uh, this is awkward, but I like you and I do love food.

Is this a picture of me sweating you?

No.  But this is:

Comment Fart

So what do you think?  Should I make this feature a monthly regular on my blog?

What’s the funniest thing anyone ever searched for and landed on your blog?

Tell me a funny internet search story?

The absolutely hilarious Hula Hoop Caper!

Hey, hey, hey!  How’s your day goin?

I am keeping myself busy, busy, busy but I’m not running and I can’t help but worry that my endurance is going to shit.  Unless you count the little bit of walking I’m doing with the dogs and the shopping Mom and I do, my fitness regime is nil.

Wait, if you count shopping, I’m probably an Olympic athlete.

Let's go shopping

Last nite I really needed to get out of the house and since I really needed to laugh or to shop, or both, Mom and I decided Wal-Mart was the perfect destination.  (Although we may have visited a few other stores along the way.)

So, yep, we went to Wal-Mart, the place where all kinds of strange things happen.  Anyway we got the things we needed and then some and as were heading up to the check out I saw a display of hula hoops.  I picked one up and told my Mom that I really wished I could hula hoop and that I would like to learn.  I was thinking it might be a good low impact workout for my core.

I picked up one of the ones on display, twirled it around and immediately watched it fall to the floor.  Oh well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  Maybe I need a weighted one?  Maybe I just don’t have rhythm anymore?  Maybe I never did?

I can't hula hoop

Mom started laughing and picked up the hula hoop.  “I used to be pretty good at this”, she said.  So she placed the hula hoop around her, shoved it off and then she proceeded to fart.  Yes, she farted!  Oh. My. God.  I seriously could not control myself when I saw the look on her face.  I am still laughing about it today.  But wait, it gets even better.

She then pushed off the hula hoop again, and once again, she farted!  I almost peed my pants from laughing.  I swear.  It was epic.  Once we got to the car, I immediately called my sister who also laughed her ass off.

dangerous gases

Apparently there was a similar incident on a camping trip a few years ago but let me just say that I am not including this in my blog to upset my Mom or embarrass her, so I won’t tell you about that one.  I just thought you should know where I get it from, and she’s a good sport so she’ll probably start talking to me again in the next year or so.

Today, I’m going to do some more shopping because it’s obviously interesting, funny and safe, trust me!

Shopping spree

Now, because I obviously have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy and I need all the laughs I can get right now….

Tell me your best fart story!  Go!